I realize that the title to this blog is a play on the famous relationship book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," by John Gray. I, unlike John Gray, am not a P.H.D. in psychology, so my comments today will not have any scientific basis to them, but all come from experience. With that out of the way, I have to sit here and think about what one thing causes innumerable problems in a marriage. If you were to guess what that one thing might be, what would you say? If you guessed communication, you would be right.
A very good friend of mine spent many years teaching at an Ivy League school. His specialty was and continues to be Communication. I intentionally went out of my way to take three of his classes when I was in college. All three classes yelled the idea that listening is the key to effective communication. In order to have effective communication, you have to have a (1) sender, the one creating the (2) message and a (3) receiver, the one who is listening. If any of these three critical parts to communication falters, then you do not have effective communication. Listening is really an art. It is manifest by good eye contact with the sender. It is funny, but my youngest boy demands my full attention when he talks to me. If my eyes so much as wander away from his face when he is talking to me, he will scold me for not listening to him, when I am still listening.
So when it comes to a marriage, it is critical that a husband and a wife have effective communication if they want to get along. I did something that may not have been the smartest thing in the world, but I bought a Hummer. As you know, these are not the cheapest cars in the world. Shortly after buying this, I was unexpectedly laid off from my hi-tech job I had worked at for over 10 years. Of course I immediately started looking for a new job. My wife was working part time for a local doctor. While looking for my new job, my wife came home and announced that she had changed her hours at the office for summer, reducing her weekly hours by 4. My initial reaction was that I didn't want to loose my Hummer and by my wife reducing her hours that would put my Hummer is danger. So, I unwisely became all upset with my wife. Granted all that did was cause her to get upset and lock herself in our bedroom for the rest of the night!
So, let's analyze this situation. First, second, and third of all, in fact all of the "all's" the main problem here is communication. If I had been open about my concern about possibly loosing my Hummer, my wife may have been more sympathetic about her work situation. She may have actually tried to add more hours to her summer schedule to assist me with my financial situation. If my wife had been more open about why she wanted to cut back her time working (to spend more time giving, as in community service), maybe we would have been able to meet half way and come to a solution that would benefit both of us.
Another situation might center around time. A few nights ago my wife stated that she was going to take my son to rugby practice. I interpreted this to mean she was going to drop him off at practice and come back home. Two hours later, when my youngest son is demanding dinner, I am getting angry because I don't know where my wife is. Yet another hour later my wife and Rugby son come home. I ask her were she had been and she said that she decided to stay and watch the practice.
By this time I was quite angry and I was the one who stomped off and went and hid in the computer room. So, how could this situation have been averted? When my wife took my Rugby son to practice, after about a half an hour, I just needed to call her up and see what her plans were. Then I would have taken on responsibility to make dinner for my youngest son. OR, my wife could have told me she was planning on staying for the whole Rugby practice as she was heading out the door. Either way, I would know what I needed to do for the evening and there would have been no hard feelings.
Communication is the key. Time is the key. Take the extra minutes to make sure that you and your wife are continually on the same wave length and hopefully you will have a long and happy marriage.
Till next time,
Bill
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