Raising Children Without A Guide

They don't come with instruction manuals.  They just come.  From the day my first child was born, it has been a struggle.  When the baby is so little, it does not have the ability to do much for itself, totally relying on its parents.  However, when that baby starts to grow up, it sucks in information.  It is like a hungry fish trying to gulp down all the food that you feed it, as if there will never be any more food coming.

I have discovered that when I am less than perfect -- well maybe downright rotten, that whatever I may do; swear, use bad language, etc., will com back to haunt me with my youngest boy repeating it, causally.

I refer to my youngest son as "The Karate Kid."  He has been taking Karate for going on four years.  This has been a huge blessing in that it gives him a target to take all of his energy out on.  I was particularly impressed with his last belt promotion.  In addition to passing all the requirements for the belt, he had to go to a boot camp of sorts three Saturdays out of four to get ready -- this in addition to his regular class, masters weapons class, and performing team class.  So now the next step is Black belt, the Holy Grail of Karate.

So, what if children came with an instruction manual?  In the Hospital, when the baby is placed in your arms, they also give you this 15,000 page book entitled, "Little Johnny and how to care for him for his entire life!"  What a deal!  Poopy diaper, turn to page 23 and find out how to change a diaper.  Your son calls you a bad name, turn to page 156 for how to deal with this and so on.

My daughter has hit the age where suddenly she is interested in boys.  My wife and I have placed strict rules on how and where she can interact with boys.  Since she is a teenager, she rides the line constantly and of course pushes back.  One time she arranged to meet at boy (with a very questionable reputation) right after school.  When my daughter didn't arrive home on the bus at the appointed time, we tried to call her up.  She didn't answer her phone.  What to do?  Page 1057 of the instruction manual has the solution.  Read it, implement it, and move on.  If only it was this easy!

I have been retrogressing and watching the hit USA Cable Channel's Monk sitcom recently.  The premise of the show is a detective named Monk who is severely challenged with obsessive-compulsive disorder.   This and other reasons cause him to be meeting with a psychiatrist on a regular basis.  The interaction between Monk and the psychiatrist is one of the more fun moments of the series.  If each one of us could have a personal psychiatrist like Monk, then maybe child rearing would be easier.

There are some good ideas for raising children on the zenhabits website.  In an article written by Sean Platt, he suggests seven secrets to raising a happy child.

The First is, "Let your child know you are excited to see them when they enter the room."  This is the situation when I get home from work each night.  Usually my youngest will be in the kitchen on the computer.  His eyes light up when I enter the room.  I call him by name and then ask him to tell me about his day.  Then we discuss his latest computer game.

The second is, "Teach you child it's okay to be bored."  Kids tend to want to dream and use their imaginations.  My youngest son is totally swept up with computers, iPods, and other electronic devices.  Being with him in a room with no electronic devices will usually cause him to complain bitterly, but after the complaints come songs and questions on various subjects.  I treasure these moments very much.

The third is, "Limit your child's media."  I could easily say, look at the second one above for this.  My oldest son benefited from this one early in his life and along with an investment in piano has made him into a very intelligent and ingenious individual.  Today, he can easily focus on home work.  He doesn't spend much time in front of the TV.  In fact, he and a friend recently won honors at a national high school science fair completion and will travel to Arizona to compete nationally!

The fourth is, "Let your child know they are more important than work."  This is a very difficult one to do since as adults we are usually busy doing something that is usually boring for for our kids at any one time.  When a child calls you, if you respond, give them eye contact, and truly show interest in what they are doing, the end result is priceless.  I believe I mentioned in an earlier post that when kids are young, interacting will them is like putting money in an emotional bank account.  Them when they get older and become teenagers, parents can make withdrawals from the emotional bank account when the child may not want to have anything to do with you.

The fifth is, "Let your child make a few of the rules."  You don't have to make them the boss to let them feel empowered.  However, if you are too lenient, they may overrun you.  I learned this the hard way when my youngest son started calling me names and I didn't adequately provide appropriate discipline for the action.  I have taken a few steps back and tried treating each problem as best I could.  Things are much better now.  By giving your kids some of the control of the situation you are helping them understand your household law.  This will lead directly to a willingness to follow.

The sixth is, "Teach your child - don't assume it's all happening outside the house."  This is one where religion in my life makes a big difference.  The church we attend is big on teaching children how to act and behave in preparation for the rest of their lives.  I could write many blogs on these ideas alone, but will not.  Parents need to teach their kids many things that are not taught in a public school.  A lot of these items can be taught from the parents perspective when they were growing up.  Experience is a great teacher!

The last one is, "Model appropriate behavior."  This is the one I am guilty of not doing.  I have a temper and I tend to emit not so appropriate words when I am angry.  My kids see these temper tantrums and then perform similar actions when they get mad.  It has taken me many years to curtail my anger, but I am pretty good now.  Currently, when I let a bad word slip, my kids will not let me forget when it happened.  It is very true that children do what they see, not as they are told.  If you want a child to obey you, then you need to set the appropriate example.  Remember, there  is no one more influential to your child than you.

These are just a few thoughts that I have on the subject of raising kids.

Till next time,

Bill