Respect: How Would You Define It?

I live in a suburb of a much larger city.  The motto for out city is, "A Little Bit of Country."  I believe I have touched on this in a prior blog, but since I have not posted for almost a year (I can't believe that, but computers don't lie) so I am going to amend my wicked ways and try to do better!

Our city has a monthly news letter called "Character Connection," where good citizens share their thoughts on respectable subjects.  I would like to share this month's subject matter, that of respect since it influenced me especially strong this Easter season.

I just finished watching the epic mini-series, The Bible, which aired this month on The History Channel.  Needless to say, I was impressed.  They timed the concluding part which focused on the Atonement and Resurrection right for Easter Sunday.  The reason I bring this up is that Jesus was a man who by his very nature demands respect.  He definitely received it from his Apostles, and the goodly part of the Israelites.  However, he definitely did not get it from the wicked part of the Israelites, and especially not from the Romans.

Which takes me back to the newsletter.  Laura Bueno has wrapped up the idea of Respect very nicely by sharing the following:

What is Respect?
Respect can mean different things to different people.  But basically, respect means to show regard or consideration for someone or something.  It is critical for our children to understand the importance of respect, so that they can communicate effectively with others throughout their lives.  It is important to distinguish between respect and obedience.  A child may obey you simply because he is afraid of you.  However, when a child understands that your rules and disciplinary actions are ultimately for his own good, he will obey you because he respects you.

Equally importnat, self-respect means to hold proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one's character,  The virtue of self-respect allows children to feel good about themselves and will help them to achieve their goals.

How Respect is Learned.
The best way to teach your child about respect is for you to show respect to yourself, your child, and others.  Kids are greatly influenced throughout their day by adults - whether it be a parent, teacher, or coach.  Observing respectful adult behavior helps your child learn the value of respect and how to use it to his advantage.

Marriage and Family Therapist Robert Navarra, Pys.D., encourages parents to model respectful behavior with children and with each other by avoiding labels, sarcasm, and criticism at home.  "Focus on the behavior and be sure to emphasize what you want the other person to do, not what you don';t want.  Additionally, coach children to verbalize their feelings, and then validate those feelings, emphasizing the importance of respecting each other's perspectives and emotions."

As your child grows older, it is important to maintain and demand an environment of respect.  "As your child enters the teen years, it can be extremely difficult to show repspect and establish boundaries with your child when he or she is being disrespectful to you.  It's important - though challenging - not to stoop to their level.  It takes a lot of strength to walk away and not yell back," says psychiatric social worker Jennifer Segura.

Keep in mind that schools may teach children about respect, but it is you, the parent, that holds the most influence over your children.  If you are caught bad-mouting the opposing team during a soccer game or screaming an obscentiy at the idiot who just cut you off, your child will take this as a cue that it';s okay to be disrepsectful to you your peers.

Most importnat, treat your kids with respect.  Truly listen to them when they have something to say.  Let them know that their words and feelings are important to you.  Help then learn to appreciate and take care of their things by respecting their personal property.  Respect their privacy by knocking before entering their room and ask that they do the same.  Remember, you are their role model and the old adage "Do as I say not as I do" simply doesn't have any merit where matters of respect are concerned.

When Others are Disrespectful
You can't be with your child every minute of the day.  But make sure he knows that it is absolutely not okay for anyone - including an adult - to treat him in a disrepsectful manner (and vice-versa).  For instance, if a teacher makes an inappropriate comment or belittles your child, tell him to immediatly report the incident to the principal, and to tell you as soon as he gets home form school so that you can follow up if wanted.

Bottom line, it is our job as parents to ensure that we raise our kids to become respectful aduilts.  Society - and our children - will thank you for it.

I again thank Laura Bueno for the wise and choice words, above.

As a father, I have (and continue to have) a few problems with both my daughter and one of my sons.  My daughter plays High School basketball.  Last season, she had to miss a couple of practices since she was receiving physical therapy for a leg injury.  She let the coach know when she would be gone.  However, at the practices my daughter missed, she bad-mouted my daughter to the rest of the team.  This offended one girl so deeply that she both let my daughter know and she and her mom went to the principal about it.  Needless to say, the coach was disciplined.

A second situation that I have been dealing with is with one of my sons.  Since I am not the perfect model of a father, I am guilty of occasionally cursing various people. items, and things.  This has had the undesired effect of my son calling me derogatory names.  I have tried letting him know that each time he calls me one of those name he has to call his Mom, School Teacher, and Karate Teacher the same name (I know he wont, especially his Karate teacher because of the end result of that action.)  So, I have tried to watch my mouth, discovered that if I restrict my son's access to the Internet when he calls me a name, I may get the desired result.

I tried this last Sunday (March 24th) when he called me a bad name.  I didn't let him have the Internet back until last Saturday (March 30th).  It about wiped him out.  So far, no bad names.  We'll see what happens, but one thing is for sure, if he does it again, he will lose the Internet for another week!

One last example is about me.  When I turned 16, I started to drive the family cars.  I also acquired a girl friend.  My parents set a strict curfew of midnight for me to come home.  One time I pushed that limit to 2am.  My parents took away my driving privilidges (dp) for a week.  How embarrased I was to have to ride the bus to High School!  So what did I do after I got my dp back?  Stayed out with my girlfriend past curfew again.  Of course my dp was revoked again, this time for two weeks.  That did the trick and I never broke my curfew again.

Lastly, a few thoughts on respect.

"There is a destiny that makes us brothers, No one goes his way alone; All that we send into the lives of others, comes back into our own." - Edwin Markham

"Respect is knowing the difference between what you have a (legal) right to do and what is the right thing to do." - Potter Stewart

"No man is an island; entire of itself, every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main." - John Donne

"Life is not so short but that there is always time enough for courtesy." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Wise paople appreciate all people for they see the good in each." - Balthazar Gracian

Till next time (and I sure hope it is quicker this time),

Bill Freeton